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I think that about covers it.""Hello I am funs human from Romania. I LIVE IN MOMENT."_—Drew Magary _No pressure, but that first message is as do-or-die as it gets in online dating. "We've found that subtle self-deprecation works great," says Langston, "and that a joke works out terribly." Mention a common interest from her profile—we both like skiing! Compliment her ironic Kanye shades, sure— just not any part of her actual body._—Julianne Smolinski _You want to suck the air out of a potential first date?I move here four years ago and make many good friend but not find special lover. We asked Grant Langston, senior director at e Harmony, for a few guidelines to keep her from clicking delete. Blow through all your conversation topics beforehand with an hours-long emoticon-filled chat session.

What would Pavlov say about a machine that lets you click a button and in return you might get the love of your life or a night of great sex? Sure, I had some apocalyptically bad dates, but most were a blast.

You could cast a wide net and sign up for every single dating site.

Or you could follow our flowchart and find the one designed to pair you with the woman (or man, or costume-wearing sex slave) of your dreams.

Don't call yourself any of the following: witty, ambitious, down-to-earth, or humble.

Mention a few TV shows, movies, bands, and books you enjoy, but take it easy on the esoteric poetry, eight-year-old Bay Area rap lyrics, and the word I.

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